F# - The new album Out now!

This is part three of the story read part one here and part two here

SCENE: Desert, name and location unknown. The wind sweeps across thousands of miles of sand dunes. The white noise is split by a CRACK as the TARDIEST appears against the blue sky, rocketing toward the unicolor mounds and valleys below. It slams into the ground with a loud boom, a plume of sand rising into the sky before settling back down around the crash site. Despite the desert’s lifeless appearance, this new arrival did not go unnoticed. Lord Lav, sensing danger, was able to eject two of his passengers before the TARDIEST hit the ground.

The problem with drinking used to be that you’d wake up the next day hungover. They make pills for that in the 23rd century though, so now apparently the problem with drinking is that you still wake up hating yourself but have no hangover to blame it on. I had avoided trying that pill so far for exactly that reason, but someone must have slipped me one because this felt like a hangover-less hangover, if you know what I mean. Turns out the brunt of sobriety always seems more cruelly focused in the harsh sun of morning. Shut up, brain, I thought. Where the hell is that light coming from, anyway? I wondered, resting the nook of my arm against my forehead to block the bright light from my closed eyes. I yawned and then coughed from an unexpected mouthful of grit. My eyes shot open from the shock, blinding me as they adjusted. After sputtering and blinking for what felt like several minutes, I looked out into a sea of… khaki. “What the fuck is this shit?” I asked, really to no one other than myself, as I took in the endless sand in every direction.

“P-BLEH!” I heard from behind me, and turned to see Notkelly sitting up, sand cascading down her torso onto her legs, which were still halfway covered. “Yeah, what the FUCK is this SHIT?”

I slowly got to my feet, intending to walk over and offer to help her up, but by the time I’d finished dusting off my pants Notkelly had already spun to her feet, a whirl of sand, hair, and limbs before landing with a wide, crouching stance. “You okay?” I asked her.

“Fine.” She wasn’t looking at me and was instead scanning the horizon around us, at least as much as she could see with the sweeping dunes waving into the distance. It didn’t help that it seemed we were in something of a valley between two tall dunes. “Doesn’t look like there’s anything or anyone around. Let’s go that way,” she said with confidence, pointing and walking in what seemed to me a random direction up the slope of sand, almost climbing with her hands and feet.

I followed. “Why?”

Notkelly pointed at the sun. “This is the Sahara desert, and based on the location of the sun I know this is North. If we’re lucky we’ll end up in Morocco or Egypt.”

“Do you remember anything that happened?” I asked. “I don’t really remember anything since we left the 1970s with Lord Lav. Do you think it’s still the ‘70s?”

“No idea,” said Notkelly. “I remember passing out in one of the chairs after having a bit to drink, then I woke up here.”

“Yeah me too,” I replied, gasping between sentences, “except on a couch and not a chair. When did you last see Jenk or Charlie?” Notkelly apparently was in much better shape and several meters ahead, at the top crest of the sand dune we’d been climbing.

She dropped to her belly. “What the fuck is that?” she hissed.

I dropped next to her. I was still a little out of breath, and the sand wasn’t as soft as I expected, so I let out a slight sound as I fell. “Oomph,” I exclaimed with a thud.

“Shh,” Notkelly said, bringing a raised finger harshly to her lips. She then made a V with her two fingers, pointed at her eyes, then hooked to point in the direction of what had startled her.

I turned to look and saw a massive black cube atop a sand dune in the distance. The sand dune foundation looked to be a hundred feet tall, and the cube stood at least another 10 stories above that. “Wow,” I muttered. “How are we going to get there?” As soon as I asked, I heard a cracking sound from beside me, and turned to see Notkelly’s slack face laying against the sand. I flipped onto my back just in time to catch the butt of a laser rifle against my forehead. I also caught a brief glimpse of the face of the being holding it. There were no eyes, a large nose-like object in the middle of its face, a giant mouth that spread into a macabre almost-smile, and massive, floppy ears that went from the top to the bottom of the narrow head. There were also two moons in the sky behind him, previously hidden by the other large sand dune.

SCENE: Dark jail cell. Unknown location. A dim light seems to emit from the walls, a sort of bioluminescence from the stone itself.

There’s that hangover headache I remember, I thought as my eyes slowly fluttered open. How much did I drink last--the sudden rush of memories came flooding back--Two moons! I forced my eyes open and sat up with a groan. I was on the floor against a brick wall in a very dark room. The walls seemed to glow, which was the least weird thing about my day so far. 

“Glad you’re finally awake,” a familiar voice said from beside me. I turned to look and saw Charles, standing with his back against a row of metal bars. Notkelly and Jenkem were sitting one on each side of him, a couple feet away, both looking dour. “And even more pleased that you and Notkelly are with us now, synth Jenk and I were worried you somehow hadn’t made it here, or that they’d done something to harm you.”

“Who are they?” I asked. “Where is here?” I looked at Notkelly. “This is definitely not the Sahara Desert, unless Earth gained a second moon and nobody told me.”

“How are we supposed to know any of that?” Notkelly said, glowering up at me through the bangs that covered half her face.

“Actually, I know the answers to both questions,” Charles said quietly. “Our captors are Erflings and we are on their planet, Erf.”

I was still trying to decide what to say when Jenk piped in, “So they’re humans?”

“No,” Charles replied, shaking his head slightly. I couldn’t see his eyes behind his dark sunglasses, but I swear I could see them rolling in a slow sweeping motion as he faced Jenkem then me before continuing, “Planet Erf, not Planet Earth. Typical humans, thinking that everything revolves around them.”

“I just thought, ya know, with the way you say ‘since’ that you--” Jenk started.

“What’s wrong with the way I say synth?” Charles said, cutting him off.

“N-nothing,” Jenk replied. I’d never seen the large brute so scared of anyone. For such a small frame, it could really feel like Charles took up most of the space in a room. In this small cell, he felt almost oppressive.

“Wait,” I said, realizing the implications of what Charles had said, “you’re not human?”

Charles chuckled. “Guilty. I just took this form because it’s unassuming and I wanted you to like me enough to join the band. I’m a Satoshin.”

Notkelly and Jenkem both gasped. I looked around, wondering if there were hidden cameras somewhere and I was being pranked. “I have no idea what that means,” I said, being honest.

Notkelly groaned. “Of course the dork born in the twentieth century wouldn’t know anything about aliens.”

“Yeah but he has been here in our time for a few years, hasn’t he?” Jenkem asked, looking at me as though I’d just said I had never heard of the color red.

“It’s fine,” Charles said, looking at Notkelly and then Jenk. “You’d be surprised how many people from this time haven’t heard of us now. There are fewer of us than ever.” He looked at me. “My people, the Satoshins, are from Planet Satos, the fourth planet around the star your people call V915 Scorpii. We are powerful shapeshifters, able to assume virtually any form and substance ranging from the subatomic scale to the size of a small asteroid. The Satoshins established a mighty, peaceful empire that spanned dozens of systems and eons, but are now estimated to number fewer than one hundred in the entire known universe.”

“Wow, that’s crazy. Can you show me the shapeshifting?” I asked.

Charles pursed his lips before responding, “No, I will not change form in order to amuse you. However, the Erflings clearly do not know what I am, because no precautions have been taken.” He turned his body to face the bars, then turned only his head in a complete half circle to face me. “Again, this is not for you, but to get us out.”

I think the best way to describe what happened next would be to have very bright lights and a high-end camera capable of capturing extremely fast motion on video. I on the other hand was dehydrated, had just huffed some alien sand an hour or two before, and had more recently been slammed in the forehead with a laser rifle, so I can’t really tell you exactly what Charles did, but in the briefest of seconds he expanded outward to over five times his normal size. There was a shriek of metal and wind, then a roaring sound as in the next instant Charles stood several feet in front of where the bars once were. There was a perfect circle left in the wall of bars, big enough for me, Jenk, and Notkelly to walk through side-by-side. Shards of metal were on each side of the circle, embedded in the ground and wall.

Charles turned to look at us and took a deep breath, almost as if he were sampling the air. He pointed to his right. “This way,” he said, setting off at a near sprint before any of us could react. We all followed, Notkelly closest to Charles, followed by Jenk, with me in the rear.

“Is this the way out?” Notkelly asked.

“No,” Charles whispered. “That was the other way. We are going deeper into the Erfling compound.”

“What?” Notkelly exclaimed. “Why?!” She stopped for a moment, but Charles kept going, and she followed as the rest of us passed her, now keeping the rear of our group.

Charles barely turned his head but somehow managed to project his voice as he kept moving down twisting, dark tunnels. “Synth we’ve been here I’ve been able to sense Lord Lav. He’s here, but they never kept us with him. I suspect I know why, and it would confirm the suspicions I’ve had about him since we first met him at Notkelly’s flat. There’s also...” he paused for a moment, as if trying to decide what to say, “something else here with him, and it’s not an Earthling, Erfling, or whatever Lord Lav is.”

In between gasps I was trying to decide which followup question I wanted to ask Charles first, but we emerged from a narrow corridor into what felt like a large, empty room and he stopped, holding his hand up in silence. I say it ‘felt like’ an empty room because it was just as dark as pretty much everything else, but I could no longer see or feel any of the walls. I could also see, in the empty distance at least 50 yards ahead, two large vats. Lord Lav was floating in one, writhing in a bubbling, luminescing liquid. The other vat contained a… “Is that a large jar of peanut butter with arms and legs?” I whispered.

“Possibly,” Charles replied, “but I think not.” He spread his arms and seemed to grow in size. His usual suit jacket seemed to stick to his hands and grow with him, as if he had sprouted dark wings. “Get behind me, I will shield us from their view as we approach. Be slow, walk quietly, but most importantly, stay behind me.”

The three of us obeyed. Jenk mumbled, “Satoshins can change shapes but also can hide stuff that’s right behind ‘em. It’s sorta like the invisibility cloak in Harry Potter. You get that reference, right?” I nodded. “I figured ya would, dork.” We stopped moving and Charles suddenly turned almost completely transparent. I started to stumble backward, but Jenk reached out and grabbed my shoulder, holding me firm. “It’s fine, we can see them but they can’t see us,” he whispered.

Sure enough, the odd beings working around the vats paid us no notice. Now that we were closer I could see three Erflings, and my forehead throbbed at the thought of one of them smacking me with his laser rifle. They were short and round, with a face like what I remembered: narrow, barely wider than their necks. They had no eyes, which explained the odd computer terminals they seemed to be using which were all dials, knobs, and switches, but no screens. There was a large, round object in the middle of their face that looked like a nose, and the largest ears I’d ever seen outside of an elephant. They seemed to stay just outside of the light cast out from the vats. The vats did indeed contain one Lord Lav and one large jar of peanut butter with a face, arms, and legs.

Suddenly, an outline of Charles’ face appeared on his own semi-transparent back. It freaked me out for a second and then I realized how cool it was. Before I had a chance to speak, he said, “Stop enjoying this so much, Chris. I can see it on your face. Do you have your deck?” I nodded, patting the shirt pocket where I kept the singularity locker that held my gear. His face turned slightly to look at Notkelly, “Do you have your cell--oh great,” he ended, when Notkelly pulled her cello from thin air. He swiveled further to Jenk. “You and I are going to rescue Lord Lav and our spreadable friend. I’ll get Lord Lav, you get the jar. We will go on three.” He turned again to me. “Chris, I will need you to sustain a note at 46.25hz for as loud and as long as you can. Notkelly, I need the same from you, except at 92.5hz. Those are both the note of--”

“F-sharp. I know,” I said. “Mine is the lowest F-sharp note on an eighty-eight key piano.” I pulled out my sing-lock and opened it, stepping back just a bit as it flipped out into my well-worn deck. I looked at Notkelly. “You ready?” She nodded, pressing her finger against one of the strings and putting the bow in place. I looked at Charles and nodded.

“Let’s jam,” Jenk said. We all groaned. “What? Oh, I get it, because I’m getting the peanut butter? I didn’t even mean it like--”

“ONE,” Charles started, a bit louder than I think he intended. I could see the ears of the Erfling closest to us twitch as he looked up and began scanning the cavern. “Two,” he continued, a bit quieter. “THREE!”

On three, Charles became a mess of whirling goo, making a tight corkscrew spiral toward the vat containing Lord Lav. Jenk wasn’t too far behind, splitting to the right to barrel his substantial shoulders into the peanut butter’s vat. The Erflings registered a moment of panicked shock before I hit the programmed button for F# on my midi controller and Notkelly pulled her bow sharply across the cello, emitting a solid octave F# that echoed into the expansive darkness. The vats exploded in near unison as the Erflings hit the ground, clutching their ears in pain from the sound we emitted.

Charles was looking through Lord Lav’s pockets. Both he and peanut butter were unresponsive. “What are you doing, Charles?” I asked. “Seems like a bad time to try and pickpocket him.”

“I’m not trying to pick his pocket, Chris,” Charles replied. “I’m checking to find the call button for his ship so we can get out of here. The other Erflings have almost certainly been alerted, and they will come with earplugs.” He clutched at an inside pocket of Lord Lav’s coat and pulled out what looked like a car key fob. “This is it,” he said, holding it up and clicking it. There was a whooshing and grinding sound and then a blue port-a-potty was a few feet next to our group. I ran over and held the door as Jenk and Charles pulled the peanut butter jar and Lord Lav through, followed by Notkelly, closing the door behind me as I fell into the open space of the TARDIEST control deck.

“What do we do now?” Notkelly asked. “Do you know how to fly this,” she said, turning to Charles.

“I think so, at least in theory,” Charles said, sitting at the console where Lord Lav usually sat. He grabbed the metal handle mounted into the desk and pushed it forward. Outside the TARDIEST, there was a bright flash of light and a grinding sound as it vanished into the darkness.

EPILOGUE-

SCENE: TARDIEST interior. Lord Lav sits at the TARDIEST console sipping tea. A cold wet towel is draped around his neck. The band sits on couches behind him. The jar of peanut butter lays in a makeshift hospital bed that sits beside the couches.

“When do you think you’ll take us out of… time flux, or whatever you call this… and actually land us somewhere?” Notkelly asked, twirling her hair around her finger and then flicking a blade across the taut strands, cutting them at extreme angles.

“Once I’ve had a chance to fully recover, which I can’t really do until I start to understand what they were trying to do to me and our unconscious mate over there,” Lord Lav said. “Still no improvement, Charles?”

Charles had spent almost every minute of the past several days at the bedside of our guest. He shook his head. “No, not yet, but I am more convinced than ever that he is more than just a walking, talking jar of peanut butter. We need to keep him safe until he awakens.”

Lord Lav nodded and opened his mouth to reply. As he did, a sputter emitted from the jar of peanut butter. We all rushed over to the bed, Charles in the lead, just in time to catch the jar opening his eyes. The container of peanut butter looked at Charles, who had taken his hand, and said, “Charles, you don’t know me, but my name is Kelvin. I was sent by your family with instructions. They, along with a group of colonists, were captured by the Korg. They sent me to tell you to never try to find them, to…” he trailed off, taking deep breaths as if he had just finished sprinting.

Charles patted the peanut butter jar’s hand. “It’s okay, Kevin,” he said, “just--”

“It’s Kelvin,” the jar interrupted between his shallow gasps. He looked as if he were still in pain.

Charles continued, “Just relax, Kelvin. You are safe here.”

Kelvin seemed to breathe deeper after the assurance. How is a jar of peanut butter even breathing, or talking for that matter? I wondered. The future was pretty weird.

Charles turned to look at Lord Lav. “We have to save my family from the Korg.”

I looked to Lord Lav. The blood had drained from his face and his mouth was hanging open. “The Korg?” he croaked. “How exactly do you suggest we rescue someone, let alone multiple someone, from the Korg? They will add our biological and musical distinctiveness to their own.” He shuddered. “Every member of the Korg walk to the beat of the same drum, Charles. The exact beat of the same drum, without alteration or individuality, forever.”

There was a moment of silence between the two men. I could have sworn Charles shrunk a bit in size, and for a moment I thought he was crouching before lashing out, similar to a cat, but instead he sighed and said at a near whisper, “I understand. I can not expect anyone to follow me into such a place. At the very least, I humbly ask that you take me to Schnorr Prime, where I can charter passage to a system at the edge of the Korg line.” His eyes lifted to meet Lord Lav’s before he finished, “Please at least grant me this one request.”

Lord Lav rubbed his chin. Before he could respond, Notkelly piped up, “Fuck the Korg. If you’re dropping Charles off at Schnorr Prime, drop me off there too.”

Jenk cleared his throat and said, “Well I guess I don’t have much going on either, so I’ll go with ya.”

“I have no idea what the Korg are,” I said, “unless you’re talking about the synthesizer company. But I know the band has to stay together, so yeah, sure, I’ll go too.”

Lord Lav finally spoke, “Ah, so it’s a suicide mission, innit? Nobody is going to Schnorr Prime.” The group looked shocked, Notkelly stepped forward and opened her mouth as though she were about to start yelling, but stopped when Lord Lav held up his finger and continued, “Because I am going to take you directly to the heart of the Korg homeworld myself. We all need some rest though, so let’s retire for the night and spend tomorrow discussing our plan. We’re probably going to die no matter what, but if we plan it well we might be able to stay alive longer.” He looked to Charles. “Hopefully long enough to save your family.”

“Thank you, Lord Lav,” Charles said.

Lord Lav nodded. “Of course. Let’s give Charles and Kelvin some space, everyone.” He walked toward the door leading to the crew quarters, Notkelly and Jenkem behind him. I followed.

Charles grabbed Kelvin’s hand. The jar of peanut butter’s breathing seemed more even and the look of pain had passed from his face. “Thank you for finding me and passing along the message from my family,” he said.

Kelvin said, “Of course, but you did hear that last part of my message where they said not to try and save them, right?”

“Of course, but do you understand that if I don’t save them then my people will be even more diminished than we already are?” Charles asked.

“Our people, Charles,” Kelvin replied. “I am a Satoshin as well. However, the Erflings… did something to me and I am now no longer able to change.”

Charles felt a sharp rush in his chest, right where his heart would be if he were human. He had known there was something different about Kelvin before they’d even met, when he had merely sensed him while imprisoned in a cell. He pressed his hand further into Kelvin’s, reaching as far into the jar’s mind as he could see, and knew that it was true. “My dear friend,” he said, “we will find my family, save them from the Korg, then find a way to undo whatever the Erflings have done to you. I promise that you will one day shift again.”

Kelvin smiled weakly. “I am going to hold you that, Charles. I am going to hold you to that.” His eyelids fluttered, “But for now, I am going to rest. The raid on Planet Satos involved over two dozen Korg pyramids. We’re probably going to die, so I’d like to at least be well rested.”

Charles chuckled. “Indeed, Kelvin, we will likely die.” He stood up and let go of the jar’s hand. “Sweet dreams,” he finished, before disappearing through the door where the others had passed just minutes before.

TO BE CONTINUED